We’ll dive into the topic in a moment, but first, I have to tell you how passionate I am about counseling women who are looking for love. Quality Christian therapy can be hard to find in Los Angeles and California in general. However, doing therapy with a Christian worldview is my bread and butter. Reach out if you’re looking for a therapist. And now, onto three traits that make women attractive!
Dating is hard. Where I live in Los Angeles, there is no shortage of high caliber women yearning for a forever-kind-of-love with a quality guy. Within the Christian community many of us avoid the momentary highs of one-night-stands and superficial relationships. Yet the lasting love we long for ever evades us.
I have run into a lot of Christian women yearning for the joy of marriage, but feeling hopeless about attracting the right one. Some of these women see themselves as drab and boring, somehow lacking that sparkle that woos men…to other women. Maybe deep down they see themselves as unattractive, or even bankrupt of personality. As an outside observer, I’m amazed by their integrity, strength, and beauty, and I only wish they knew how to make their beauty accessible to the men around them.
I believe there are 3 key qualities any woman can develop that will make her irresistible to the right man.
Notice, I did not say just any man will fall for her; these are no magic potion nor are they a way to invisibly control the affections of a current crush.
Rather, these are traits to develop if you wish to attract a genuine sort of guy – a man of God who is on the hunt for something more than skin deep, the kind of beauty that lasts a lifetime. Here we’ll talk about how a little vulnerability, feminine essence, and confidence will help you become visible and accessible to the honorable men around you. And YES! You can find good men, even in LA. ; )
Vulnerability
It takes a lot of guts to genuinely show up in any relationship. It’s our moment of truth when we let down our guard and expose our heart and feelings to another human being. Because, you see, we’re all broken. For most of us, shame goes deep and we have bits and pieces of ourselves that we’re afraid to expose. We anticipate that people will react to us with overwhelm, shock, disgust, and rejection. We feel we’re “too much” of this, “too little” of that.
When you read this, some of you are going to think, how in the world do I “show up”? What does that even mean? Are you being purposely vague?!! If you’re sitting here thinking, “I don’t even know me. How am I supposed to let someone else know me?”, you’re not alone. I was in your shoes about a decade ago. I remember googling “How to be emotionally available” because I was dating someone who said I was distant. I had no idea how to be close. If he and I started talking about something too close to my heart, I started to cry. Like clockwork. It was so embarrassing. Ugly red splotchy face and mocos dripping out of my nose. Far from cute or sexy, I thought.
It would be a while before I realized that for me, the tears were the only road to making my own acquaintance.
Therapy to Help You Be More Vulnerable
Prior to some good therapy, my instinctual approach to dating had been to make myself into a better person. I thought I could fix relationship problems by working through my imperfections.
I had not learned to “lean into” my own weakness, allowing it to be seen by another human being…especially a man. Mercy me, if I did that I might cry. Strike that. I would definitely cry.
Thankfully, therapists are there to sort out your internal world and help you make sense of it, so then you have words to describe what’s going on internally to the people (including males) in your outside world. Tears are a perfectly normal part of this process.
We all have insecurities. I know you might think yours are unique, but girl, I’m pretty positive you’re not as unusual as you think. Therapy makes us more emotionally accessible by helping us recognize and accept our imperfections as well as our beauty.
As women, our self esteem teeter totters up and down sometimes. One moment it’s up: we feel relatively ok about ourselves. The next moment some thought or fear or slipping sense of control has us reeling and questioning everything. Therapy can empower us to handle our shame in ways that give life to ourselves and those around us, rather than being a reason to hide in a corner.
Community to Help You Be More Vulnerable
In addition to therapy, you need community. Maybe that sounds like the Christian hipster thing to say but wipe away any cringey cliche-ness of that statement and realize how true it is. Maybe you don’t even know it’s true because you’ve never experienced it in real life.
A few years ago my husband and I were part of the best community we’ve ever had. I’ve been in lots of church groups, and trust me, they’re not always that good. But this one had that secret sauce and there was something immensely healing about being in a group of people who were fighting for love and truth. We told each other our stories, our childhoods, our abuses, our embarrassing moments. We told each other our struggles. We’d let each other know when they stepped on our toes. There were tense moments in group because of differing political leanings. Other times, good intentions were misinterpreted and people got hurt. It was that kind of gritty, grace-bathed abundant life that is the closest thing to heaven we’ll have on this side.
Get yourself in a loving Christian community.
How Vulnerability Makes You More Attractive
Vulnerability makes us approachable, relatable, and soft. It’s a stance that admits our need for another human being. The best bachelors out there want a lady who needs them. Her vulnerability invites him into the coveted role of mattering to her.
Perhaps some of us with a feminist bent cringe a bit at the thought of letting a man think we need him. After all, aren’t we empowered women who go out and get what we want and can do anything a man can do? Well yes, each of us women have our own strengths. We might be intelligent, strategic, persevering, assertive, or resourceful. We might have the verbal skills to talk any man into a corner or the emotional intelligence to read a room in a matter of minutes. We might be confident in the world, able to bring home dolla bills and slay goals. But even the strongest woman is human and fragile yet. We all have moments of insecurity, and none of us is good at everything.
Being vulnerable with a man invites him into the complex fabric of breathtaking strength and fragile weakness that makes up our being. Vulnerability is a siren’s call for a man to take on a vital role in our life, a masculine presence capable of both celebrating our strengths and fortifying our weaknesses.
Personally I thrive in entrepreneurial settings. My husband isn’t as naturally drawn in this direction as I am; instead, he supports my dreams, believing in me as I try new ventures. He is philosophical, a much deeper thinker than I will ever be. He challenges me to understand the world in more interconnected ways.
I am more mathematically minded, while he has a capacity to understand tech that awes me. I am shy and sensitive to the needs of others. He is outgoing and able to network with people who intimidate me. I could go on and on about how our strengths and weaknesses compliment each other like peanut butter and chocolate. (Not jelly. Chocolate is better.) I am strong, but I need him profoundly. And on my best days, I find a million ways to help him know how much I need him.
If you’re interested in one day having a satisfying romantic relationship with the opposite sex, I encourage you to practice vulnerability in your current friendships with women and men. You don’t have to wait til you’re dating.
But when it comes to vulnerability in dating, one specific item stands out. Namely, many of us find it totally awkward to allow our romantic interest to be known.
With that, many of us are “old-school” or traditional and appreciate having the guy pursue us! We think that if we show interest, we’re taking the lead or pursuing him. As an old soul with traditional leanings, I appreciate letting the man take the lead.
BUT a lot of men actually appreciate a woman who can gracefully express genuine interest without actually grabbing the reigns. Many of these men see pursuing a woman as their God-given role, yet if she doesn’t show any interest in him, he’s likely to be terrified to make an overture! For instance, you might try:
- Sitting by him in class and asking how his day has been, but not asking him to coffee
- Inviting him to your birthday party but not on a date
- Sharing openly about what is going on in your life, and valuing his feedback
- Asking him for help with something! Men love to be of practical service. Then say thank you!
Showing interest doesn’t have to mean asking him out, or anything that blatant (or terrifying!) For example, two now-married friends of ours told us that she showed her interest in him by frequently stopping to say hello while he was working his ministry booth at church. Her actions weren’t overtly flirtatious; rather, they showed genuine and persistent interest in him as an individual. Eventually he picked up on her gracious cues and decided she was a woman worth pursuing.
Femininity
A second way to cultivate attractiveness is exhibiting “feminine essence”. What I mean by this is the core of every female that is there because of how God designed her. Certainly, many of us females are far out of touch with this essence and may even feel like freaks or failures in the femininity department. But no, I’m not only talking to my girly girls out there. I’m talking to all of you, damsels in distress and tomboys alike.
God has endowed us as women with something unique and different from men: the ability to bring life into the world. Not only can our bodies do this, but our spirits can as well. This life-giving vitality will look different from woman to woman. It need not fit any special mold, such as being dainty or always sitting up straight. It means something more akin to nurture, to creating a home for those around us.
Getting in touch with our unique brand of femininity is a powerful way to increase attractiveness. For one woman it means wearing soft floral scents, for another it means cooking, baking, feeding, and nourishing the people in our lives. For another woman it means care and compassion for the down and out. For another woman it’s deep discernment and ability to understand the Word of God. For another, it’s a kindly word promptly spoken.
Another displays femininity in her zeal for life and adventure. Another blossoms her feminine wiles in softness of tone and touch. Another finds her femininity in a childlike playfulness and ability to understand the heart of a child. I hope you can see that feminine energy is as multi-faceted as the women God created, and we each reflect his beauty in a different way.
Being comfortable with and confident in our unique version of femininity is a seductive characteristic that lures in the heart of quality men.
Confidence
And finally, let’s talk about confidence, a tricky concept because it’s easy to think it means you like everything about yourself and have nothing you’re insecure about.
That’s not the case at all. True confidence is a biproduct of knowing our identity in Christ, combined with vulnerability. True confidence means we accept that we’re imperfect, and know that we’re still loved and lovable. Confidence also comes from knowing that every single human has their insecurities. No one is exempt.
It’s a mistake to think confident women always show up ready to slay. Ladies who possess the attractive quality of confidence have all the normal insecurities that the rest of us have. They get nervous, have awkward moments, fear rejection, and sometimes don’t know what to say. Being confident just means you show up anyway and let yourself be seen and loved in spite of your “oops” moments. Confident girls feel anxiety, but they don’t let it dominate their actions. They act in spite of their anxiety.
I’m going to give you a really powerful confidence booster tip. Change your attitude from self absorption and trying to prove yourself, to one of loving others. If you get good at this, I think you’ll actually notice a physiological change in your body’s stress level. While self absorption produces anxiety, a motivation to love brings peace and quiet confidence.
So, look someone in the eye today and genuinely ask how they are. And sometime this week, do this with a guy. Get used to relating to guys on a level of authentic care. Trust me, they’ll feel your confidence and authenticity.
The qualities of vulnerability, feminine essence, and confidence give you the magic potion you need to attract men. And one more thing, be assertive but also be patient. Dating is hard work and takes time. For many of us, the right man isn’t just going to fall in our laps. And remember, we must do our part, but only God Himself can bring the right man into our life at the right time. Practice these qualities daily, and let the Lord do what only He can do.
Jennifer Camareno, MFT 